I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
