I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
