Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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