Swine flu. Run for my life!
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
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I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
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How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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