Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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