I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I need a beard to bite.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
