the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
