I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
