So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
