I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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