Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
