Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
