Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Still dying that you shit outside
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
