If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
