speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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