Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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