Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
