I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
