y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
false alarm, still single
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