Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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