i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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