My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
