He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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