You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
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Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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