sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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