Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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