Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
