He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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