I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
