i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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