sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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