Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
