He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
