i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
