I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
