tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
