finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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