the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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