What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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