He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
