trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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