Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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