By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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