we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
