my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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