I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
