Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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