on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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