I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
