Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
