My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
