I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
