Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
