The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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