They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
